is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You dont lie about slip and slides
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
