at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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