farters have to be the big spoon...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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