I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize