I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
