And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
