I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
