Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
