I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
