i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
