He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
