i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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