So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
