She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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