You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
