gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This baby is an asshole
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
