So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
