Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
