I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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