there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
