They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
