You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
