So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
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