it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
