can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
