It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
