I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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