I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
