I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
