he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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