The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
