I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
