are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
