he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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