I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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