Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
