Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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