So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
