Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
