youre lurking in front of me
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
