then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize