I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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