I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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