1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
