the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
