You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
