if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hippo gnu deer
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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