im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize