Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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