I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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