I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
