I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
