I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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