He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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