Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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