I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Your cock deserves a montage
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
