Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
