You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
