I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
