Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
